Don’t fret, I believe there is still a child in all of us. A version of us that is curious, playful, and hopeful. Whether or not we tap into and use it is up to us, but it may determine the amount of joy we feel in our lives.

Let’s pause to show some love to the inner teenager, don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten about you. Some people, and maybe you are one of them, wince at the idea of an inner child as some whimsical, immature part of themselves that there is no use re-connecting with.

But this same concept can be applied to a teenage part of you as well, which I think we can all agree is where hope goes to die and crushing expectations take their place. Is there a part of you that can hold some space for that age? The age you were desperately clinging to meaning as you came to grips with the harsh realities of the world?

Whichever you gravitate towards (and especially if you don’t gravitate to either of them), stay a while we break down this concept.

Re-connecting to Younger Versions of You  

 

I work with a therapeutic approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS), which operates under the idea that we all naturally develop different parts to our personality. Some are authentic, some numb us, help us avoid, or fight for us in a rigid way. The ladder are what we call protective parts. They evolve as we age to protect our true self from being hurt.

Before we dive into protective parts, let’s explore the concept of the true self. To do this, IFS offers us the 8 C’s; connected, confident, creative, calm, curious, compassionate, and experiencing clarity. Take a second to think about that; do you have these qualities as an adult?

Don’t worry, they are still in there somewhere. All of this can easily be associated with the essence of a child, but really they are the aspects of all human existence that make life worth living.

We can tap into these at any age. We all deserve to have these experiences, and our inner child is the clearest reflection and easiest access to our true selves. It is the version of yourself that was the most confident, the most creative, the most compassionate, before all of that essence was squashed by the world. 

Looking through the lens of the IFS framework, the process of a child losing their intuitive knowledge and spark, or becoming jaded and apathetic, is due to the protective parts of their personality forming to keep them safe from the emotional pain they are being exposed to.

While these protectors have the best intentions, they can cause our mental and emotional state to get out of whack when they completely take over and leave our true self locked in the basement.

The things we know deep down that we need end up getting overshadowed by fear and the need to protect ourselves.

Protectors come in all shapes and sizes

Addiction, emotional unavailability, anxiety, hypervigilance…most symptoms of mental health can be trailed down to protective parts.

Anxiety is your protector from crippling uncertainty, creating allusive control through worry. You likely had something terrible happen to you and your brain feels the need to create a system to prevent that from happening again.

Obsessive-Compulsive tendencies also come from a need for control, a protection from the unknown, but are more associated to ritualistic behaviors that help you feel in control.

Co-dependency is the protector from loneliness. Perhaps you spent a lot of time alone as a child and your body really doesn’t want to feel that depth of loneliness again.

Depression comes from a place of the protector getting burnt out, knowing they’re not serving you anymore but having no idea how to move forward (while your true self is still locked in the basement).

No shade to the protectors, they have gotten us this far and kept us functioning. We can show them gratitude, befriend them, and help them step to the side.

Protectors do not need to be banished, they just need to be balanced.

They can be integrated into your personality, and are useful when you have a choice in how and when you use them.

Let me use a personal example; I have a part of me that is very independent. While this helps me achieve things and keeps up an image of being hard-working and successful, it’s not always that pretty.

I can pull an all-nighter to get something done, then spit fire at people I love the next day because I am sleep deprived. I refuse help because I have a specific way I want things done, then slowly build up resentment that no one is helping me. I have a hard time letting myself rest, don’t take compliments to heart, and quickly find reasons to kick my finish line up a mile. Sounds exhausting, right?

This comes from most of the praise and attention I got growing up being for my achievements. Negative aspects of this protector tell me that I’m pretty worthless without my achievements, driving me to get things done but keeping me from being compassionate to myself (and eventually others), and keeping me from exploring the things that truly spark my curiosity and creativity.

Integrating this hyper-independent part looks like knowing my signs of burnout, asking for help (and allowing myself to receive it), and practicing intuitive rest. Which leaves some room for little Courtney to peak out from the basement. 

Because what was little Courtney doing the whole time she was stuck in the basement? Dancing and singing. [I’m smirking because it works with the metaphor but in reality I was truly dancing and singing alone in the basement as a child]

When do I feel the most joyfully expressed as an adult?

When I am dancing or singing.

I can say will full certainty that the hobbies that suit us best as adults are things our inner child/teenager would love. The things that made us feel creative, confident, connected, calm, curious, compassionate, and clear-minded. 

Maybe it’s the exact activities from your childhood; riding a bike, hula hooping, playing an instrument, or playing a game. Or maybe it’s things you always wanted to try but never did; dancing, swimming, rock climbing, or riding a roller coaster.

So, my inner child hobbies have become hula hooping, dancing, and singing to process my emotions, with the challenges being to learn choreographed dance, playing certain songs on the piano, audition for a play or musical, etc.

Your Process

Through the therapeutic process, we will discover your protectors, and with EMDR we can pinpoint some of the moments they felt the need to step into your childhood and teenage years. We will befriend them, resolve the emotional turmoil from the past, and see what glimmer of your true self has been hiding beneath. You will undoubtably pick up some inner child hobbies along the way.

Although intentional hobbies can be a fun gesture to you inner child/teenager, honoring these different parts of you may not have to be a hobby or activity. It can also be setting and maintaining boundaries, holding space for big feelings without judgement, or allowing yourself to choose sillyness over your to-do list. 

The goal is to help them evolve in a way they weren’t able to before.

So, what does it mean to you to connect to your inner child/teenager? What makes you feel calm, curious, creative, confident, connected, compassionate, and clear-minded? Chances are you already have some ideas floating around in your mind. If you notice resistance to do those things, there is likely a protective part of you that is limiting your fullest experience of life.

We can’t let that happen now, can we?